Dream Warriors...

You might remember that my dear wife is pregnant with our third child - and we are looking very much forward to the day we will see her or him.  This is even if we are shitting ourselves. We are not sure what we are getting into.  Having two kids is "easy", but will the third prove an important leverage on the balacing scale, giving our kids an upper hand?

I'm of course writing a blog about the actual pregnancy, but it will not be released until April when the baby is due.  That way, I'll capture and relay all the good stuff.

Being pregnant changes the body a fair bit, not only around the belly, but certain features become more prominent and reinforced, such as sleeping patterns and habits.  I sympathise with my wife and I will endulge in munchy session eating less healthy food. As a result I might have gained a few pounds - all in the name of love.

BUT, when you gain weight you are apparently also more prone to extreme snoring tendencies - or at least I am.  I'm a firm believer that snoring has nothing to do with your weight. It is simply caused by your entire body relaxing and sleeping. Your uvula relaxes and the vibration it causes is called snoring.


Enough science!  I swear that pregnant women snore just as loud.  But, to cut a long story short, in my opinion my wife snores just as much as me, and without asking the kids to take side in this debate, (well we asked them and they thought I snored really loud) we have agreed (somewhat) that we snore equally much...well, her decibel level is much higher than mine.

One day, not too long ago, after my wife had recorded me snoring on her iPhone as proof, she happily pulled out a little spray device, to reduce or remove snoring.  It was some herbal thingy she'd found in her local health shop.  My wife is into these home remedies to the extent that she has downloaded an APP for her iPhone for herbology. I guess she thinks she's Hermione.

I was delighted that she had finally acknowledged that she was the reason for our sleep deprivation and that she had taken steps to help us.  However, I got slightly confused when she told me that the spray was for me and handed it to me!  What? Why? What about me suffering from her snoring?  Couldn't she have bought something that actually works, like this SnoreRing?

- I don't even want to know how this thing works!

Initially, the first two hours of going to bed that evening, I refused to spray this foam into my mouth, and I fell asleep as usual within 40 seconds.  Approximately an hour into my wonderful dream about cutting trees and pretending I was a gigantic lion, I was ripped from mañana-land.  In front of me was my wife, in real life, imitating a fierce lionesss, poiting the spray at my face.  She wasn't really giving me many options not to use the fecking thing, so I pointed the spray towards my dingeling (uvula) and hit the button to spray.  Pressurised foam hit my poor little uvula with G-force, and I instantly woke up - no wonder it cures snoring.  It wakes you up.

At this stage, I was fuming and looked like I had rabbies (all the foam coming out). I attempted to fall a sleep again.  Getting so close to my dream again, I was gently woken by my wife, simply to thank me.  I growled and fell a sleep, still thinking I was Christian the Lion.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock.  Despite the night battle with foam in my throat, I had slept like a baby.  What was in that foam?  I turned over and looked at my wife.  She was still sleeping and smiling.  Quickly, I stuck to fingers into her nostrils, as payback from last night.  After a few seconds she woke up gasping, wide awake.

She looked and me and smiled.  "It worked" she said.  "You didn't snore at all".  No wonder I didn't snore, my mouth was covered in this foam/toothpaste thingy, and the pressurized air from the spray had frozen the surface of my uvula.  But heck, the things we do for love.  We all snore.  We are just different when it comes to dealing with it!

Ever since that experience, I try to stay awake on public transportation and flights, just in case I snore loudly and piss off all my fellow travellers.  Thanks to my wife, I now have a phobia about my own snoring.  Ok, I admit it, I snore - at least I don't drool at night when I sleep.