My Ace of Cake

When I first met my wife many moons ago, she was not well skilled in the kitchen - or anywhere near the kitchen for that matter.  I'm not being male chauvinistic, but she was just a disaster when it came to cooking.  It was clearly something she hadn't tried before, and probably never wanted to try either.  She just hadn't been in a kitchen before - at all.  It was like watching a blind person using an iPod.  I blame her parents of course, for this lack of marriage preparation training.  Kitchen navigation is one of the core lessons to teach your daughter.

I remember the first time she had to cook, or help me prepare dinner.  I asked her to boil the potatoes while I picked up a friend from the airport.  2 hours later, when we returned to the apartment, there was a strange smell of burnt soil.  The flat wasn't huge and the kitchen tiny.  What was causing these strange fumes?  And more, where were the potatoes?  I quickly spotted the pot where I had placed the potatoes and noticed that the bottom was covered with a thick black crust.  Mystery solved. She had burnt the potatoes.  When I asked her what had happened with the boiled potatoes, I got this evil stare and a quick reply "Boiled potatoes?  I had to put water in the pot?  You didn't give me clear instructions!".  I left it at that, no point arguing over burnt spuds, and ran to the local chipper to get fries.

Looking back, I strongly believe she had invented a new technique for making homemade chips / french fries. A technique that will be fully appreciated and worshipped when the planet runs out of water.  Then all the master chefs will come running to her for advice.

Despite the early failures in the kitchen, my dear wife has become a very good chef and makes lovely dinners.  I normally made dinner every night, before we had kids.  But because kids needs to eat early, she started to cook dinners during the week and I'll cook in the weekends.

Her interest in cooking / baking has taken her down different avenues, opened new doors one could say.  She is particularly fascinated by baking birthday cakes for the kids - even when it is not their birthday!  Not just any kind, but cakes that are shaped like princesses, dogs, balloons, etc.  If you have seen the "Ace of Cakes" TV show, then you'll know what I mean.

This is a skill she has been perfecting over time and she can now make the most amazing birthday cakes.  She is making fantastic cakes for the kids' birthdays and they love them.

Now, I fully support and appreciate these creations, but her determination and stubbornness when making these wonders are often scary.  She spends weeks planning the design, and investigates various techniques on the internet.  Lately, she has resorted to YouTube to get tips and hints, showing her how to make the perfect icing coatings and home made decorations, etc.

However, when the cakes are being made hell breaks lose.  The kitchen looks like a war zone; flour everywhere, ALL baking utilities are out, bags of spices scattered around, decorative figures standing in line prepared for battle and the MacAir is running YouTube and other baking sites.  The entire house smells of exotic spices and freshly baked cakes.

The actual process making these creations can take anything from 1 hour to 2 days - it all depends on the icing and design - or so she says.  For safety reasons (my safety), I retreat into the living room, out her reach, as I would otherwise get run over by a runaway (flying) bowl.  She curses, screams and sweats during the ordeal.  Sometimes I wonder if she is related to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.  Dough flies into the living room. It gets stuck on the TV closely followed by a pack of butter.  Calmly, I scrape off the dough and butter, while I dial the local parish office to get connected to the baking exorcist.

I have tried to assist her at times, despite how silly this might sound, to provide her with support.  But, more often than not, she has already been absorbed by the dark baking powder force, and she gives me the store of the flaming eye and utter words that I cannot repeat here.  I love it when she speaks dirty, but not when she bites kitchen utensils and spins her head.

Honestly, I never expected this transformation to happen.  When I fell in love with her, she was dressed in black and wore black eye makeup - black was her colour.  The first time we went to the pub and we had to go home (drunk of course) she was literally lying on the road outside the pub, attempting to stop a taxi.  Now, she's throwing baking rollers, bowls and ingredients around the kitchen ... or at me.

The creations are, as I mentioned earlier, amazing.  Our kids love them and all their friends are clearly jealous when the cake is presented, and feuds starts when cutting the cake, as they all want part of the decorations.  Some parents have even asked her if she could make a birthday cake for their kid's birthday.  Thankfully she has declined.  None of her friends should have the same cool cakes as our kids and I'm not sure my nerves would last too long anyway.

- cakes below are from our daughter's 6th birthday; cats 'n dogs theme

 

Cats n' Dogs

It was the time of the year again, where our daughter was going to celebrate her birthday.  This time she would turn six and us parents wept quietly before we went to bed.  Our little baby was getting older, again, and so were we.  At least I don't have gray hairs - yet.

She had decided the theme and she was also determined to invite the entire class - again.  All kids were delighted to be invited again to my daughter's birthday party.  They clearly remembered last year's smashing success, and were dying to party hard again.  27 Kids under the age of six were invited.  Deep inside, I wished that only 3 could come.  I still haven't recovered mentally from last year's party. My ear drums are still bleeding when watching plane take off and land.  The old metal band Man-O-War would be proud of the noise levels we reached last time.

Theme: Cats & Dogs (wonder if it would be anything like the movie)
Time & Location: Our house, after school Friday (please note, this event has already happened, so no need to show up next Friday)

My wife loves to bake birthday cakes, and this would be no exception.  And this time she was determined to give "Ace of Cakes" a real run for their money.  She started to plan the cakes two weeks before the actual event, by researching cake dough, icing techniques and designs. The final design and result can be seen here.  I have to admit, they look fantastic. And no, we don't take orders ... yet.

The big day finally arrived, and our daughter was so excited.  While she was in school, we decorated the house and prepared the food; chicken nuggets, fries, sausages, fish fingers and juice - the usual urban combat meal.

As the time drew closer, we (parents) got nervous too. I probably peed 16 times before the kids arrived.  It was as if I was sitting an exam.  Our daughter was dressed as a cat. My wife made the catsuit and the face paint.

Mayhem started bang on time, with the first cats and dogs arriving to the house.  Within minutes, the noise level in our suburban neighborhood had gone up 5 Db.  22 kids arrived (out of 27) so it was an excellent turnout.  The majority were dressed like either cats or dogs, except one weirdo kid who came dressed as a knight!

It wasn't long until all the neighbor kids were staring weird at our house because of all the screams.  Some even knocked on the door asking if they could participate and others attempted to bring their pets to the party. They totally misunderstood the theme.

One parent attempted to offload all his kids, not only classmates, but siblings too. One father even tried to get his 7 week old baby to crash the party, but I had to draw the line somewhere.  We were not stocking baby milk and we were not too keen on holding a baby while minding 22 lunatic pretend animals.  So, he left crying.  Another parent, whose child has all kinds of allergies, pretended that he did not have allergies anymore. He said he could have everything he wasn't allowed to have.  Imagine if the kid ended up a glucose overdose attack?  Paramedics would think we were mental patients, living in a house full of kids pretending to be animals.

As the party progressed, my wife had organized the usual party games; piñata, musical statues, face paint, bubble disco and of course the birthday song.  But, nobody anticipated or expected the last party game - least of all me.  My lovely wife had planned a "fantastic" game she made up called dog catcher.  This game doesn't need any introduction and should not be attempted without supervision by trained parents (like us)!  As soon as my wife said "GO", the signal for the "dogs" and "cats" to run, 20 kids sprinted around in the house hoping not to be caught by the dog catchers that were catching the dogs with tiny fish nets and putting them into tents.  The noise level and screams went though the roof. My wife just stood there giggling and cheering. She was having a blast. Our real dogs started to whine because some kids' high pitch screams went straight through their nerve system.   My ears started to pop uncontrollably and my heart beat faster.  I felt like screaming too, but I think most kids would have cried if I did.  This game went on for about 15 minutes. By then glasses and eardrums had cracked within a 1 mile radius.

Finally, the end emerged like God send.  Parents started to collect their kids and we slowly started to clean up the mess left by the animal invasion.  For all the food on the floor, we simply let in the dogs and then that was done.

The "funny" thing is that we cleaned the entire house in advance, but why?  It is not like the kids would judge how clean our crib was.  Anyway, within 7 minutes, the house looked like if someone had pulled the pin in a grenade - juice, food and party decoration all over - hovering in mid air due to the speed the kids ran in circles around the house.

When the last kid was collected, and our kids were in bed, we quietly sat in the sofa enjoying the sound of silence.  I finished a bottle of wine within 15 minutes and fell asleep.  Never again, but that's what we said last year.

The main thing was that our daughter had a fantastic day, and she loved it.  And, all her classmates still talk about her fantastic party 3 months on.

We had to have another party the following day, for the family only, which obviously was going to be a lot more relaxed.  Our daughter wanted gumbo, and she was going to help cooking it. She is after all six years old you know.

Dream Warriors...

You might remember that my dear wife is pregnant with our third child - and we are looking very much forward to the day we will see her or him.  This is even if we are shitting ourselves. We are not sure what we are getting into.  Having two kids is "easy", but will the third prove an important leverage on the balacing scale, giving our kids an upper hand?

I'm of course writing a blog about the actual pregnancy, but it will not be released until April when the baby is due.  That way, I'll capture and relay all the good stuff.

Being pregnant changes the body a fair bit, not only around the belly, but certain features become more prominent and reinforced, such as sleeping patterns and habits.  I sympathise with my wife and I will endulge in munchy session eating less healthy food. As a result I might have gained a few pounds - all in the name of love.

BUT, when you gain weight you are apparently also more prone to extreme snoring tendencies - or at least I am.  I'm a firm believer that snoring has nothing to do with your weight. It is simply caused by your entire body relaxing and sleeping. Your uvula relaxes and the vibration it causes is called snoring.


Enough science!  I swear that pregnant women snore just as loud.  But, to cut a long story short, in my opinion my wife snores just as much as me, and without asking the kids to take side in this debate, (well we asked them and they thought I snored really loud) we have agreed (somewhat) that we snore equally much...well, her decibel level is much higher than mine.

One day, not too long ago, after my wife had recorded me snoring on her iPhone as proof, she happily pulled out a little spray device, to reduce or remove snoring.  It was some herbal thingy she'd found in her local health shop.  My wife is into these home remedies to the extent that she has downloaded an APP for her iPhone for herbology. I guess she thinks she's Hermione.

I was delighted that she had finally acknowledged that she was the reason for our sleep deprivation and that she had taken steps to help us.  However, I got slightly confused when she told me that the spray was for me and handed it to me!  What? Why? What about me suffering from her snoring?  Couldn't she have bought something that actually works, like this SnoreRing?

- I don't even want to know how this thing works!

Initially, the first two hours of going to bed that evening, I refused to spray this foam into my mouth, and I fell asleep as usual within 40 seconds.  Approximately an hour into my wonderful dream about cutting trees and pretending I was a gigantic lion, I was ripped from mañana-land.  In front of me was my wife, in real life, imitating a fierce lionesss, poiting the spray at my face.  She wasn't really giving me many options not to use the fecking thing, so I pointed the spray towards my dingeling (uvula) and hit the button to spray.  Pressurised foam hit my poor little uvula with G-force, and I instantly woke up - no wonder it cures snoring.  It wakes you up.

At this stage, I was fuming and looked like I had rabbies (all the foam coming out). I attempted to fall a sleep again.  Getting so close to my dream again, I was gently woken by my wife, simply to thank me.  I growled and fell a sleep, still thinking I was Christian the Lion.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock.  Despite the night battle with foam in my throat, I had slept like a baby.  What was in that foam?  I turned over and looked at my wife.  She was still sleeping and smiling.  Quickly, I stuck to fingers into her nostrils, as payback from last night.  After a few seconds she woke up gasping, wide awake.

She looked and me and smiled.  "It worked" she said.  "You didn't snore at all".  No wonder I didn't snore, my mouth was covered in this foam/toothpaste thingy, and the pressurized air from the spray had frozen the surface of my uvula.  But heck, the things we do for love.  We all snore.  We are just different when it comes to dealing with it!

Ever since that experience, I try to stay awake on public transportation and flights, just in case I snore loudly and piss off all my fellow travellers.  Thanks to my wife, I now have a phobia about my own snoring.  Ok, I admit it, I snore - at least I don't drool at night when I sleep.

Caught in the Act 2

Back in October 2008 I posted a blog about me getting caught on CCTV for littering.  I fought the law and lost €150.  Back then, my wife found it extremely amusing that I was actually caught in the act and that they had CCTV footage of me doing the crime.

Times have changed and we learnt from my mistake...or have we?

Almost on the 2nd year anniversary of my litter fine, my wife drove our daughter to horseback riding, on a cold Saturday morning.  Our son and I were sitting in the kitchen, finishing our breakfast, when suddenly I received a text message (SMS) on my phone.  I don't get that many text messages, so I ran over to check it.  It was from my wife, and it said "I've just been clocked speeding.  How much is a fine?".

Somewhat amused, I replied back that she had it coming with her Schumacher tendencies.  It's just a miracle she hadn't been caught before.  Now it was my time to gloat and laugh - much easier when you are not face-to-face with the person that is.  If she would have been anywhere near me, she would probably have punched me several times or bitten me.  But I was in a safe distance of approx. 14 miles.

I hate to admit it, but my wife suffers from road rage syndrome, which affects many female drivers.  It is a condition that we have worked hard to surpress, but it is difficult for me to monitor her progress, when she has the car most days.

Symptoms of RR syndrome are (warning, they may have ALL symptoms):

• They don't let ANYBODY in, in front when merging
• They develop foul language and words, that even a builder would fear
• They require extra thick front windshields and side windows, to protect against flying objects (objects targeted against fellow drivers)
• Any passenger, 18+ years, will have to accept verbal abuse and take the blame for certain actions
• They are NEVER wrong

So, I decided to call her as well, just to rub it in some more.  She picked up and she wasn't amused.  Strangely, I could hear she was still driving, which made me wonder (and ask of course) if she didn't know it was illegal to use the mobile while driving, unless you have a car kit.

We actually don't know if she was clocked or not, as it has been almost 5 months and we haven't received a fine yet.  It took more than 4 months for me to get my fine, so there's still time for them to collect - but don't tell anyone.
- so much for saving money!

As for me.  I'm just delighted that I now have something on my missus.  We are both smooth criminals.

In love with the revenue office (IRS)

The last few months, well since February 2009, were extremely tough in regards to our economy.  Not only the country's economy, but also my family's vault was slowly getting closer to the critical lower limit.  It is not like we were in minus (red numbers).  However, we had to adjust our spending - simple as that.  A few of my previous blogs have explored that in some detail and talked about our alternative methods of saving money.

• Going on holidays during a recession
• Changing the house during a recession
• Going Green and saving money

Every expense was questioned and some of the more luxurious items like Sky Movies/Sports were cancelled.  We even consolidated TV, Phone and Broadband, which is something that I since regret.

Despite our best efforts, we were finding it tough to stay above the void of debt, but we were managing.  Since our son was born in 2005, we had been applying for various grants to support his needs.  Every application was rejected for some reason, so we had almost given up.  We agreed to try one more time.

A couple of days before Christmas, we received a letter from the Revenue.  It stated our household income year by year since 2005.  We didn't think more of it, and filed it in the pile.

Then, on the 23rd of December, we received another letter from the Revenue Office.  I opened it and could hardly believe my own eyes.  A cheque was staring back at me and the blood was slowly draining from my head.  I couldn't believe it.  The Revenue had finally approved our application. We had received a cheque covering what they should have paid us in support since our son was born.

Sorry, but FUCK ME we were absolutely delighted and over the moon.  I can honestly say that I at that moment kissed the envelope and ran to my wife.  We hugged and laughed. We couldn't believe our eyes.

Just in case, I rushed to the bank and deposited the cheque immediately.  Christmas was saved and we could pay off our credit card debt.  You have no idea how cool that felt.  The money is gone, but it went to a good cause, and we are now relaxed again.

Go for it.  I'm sure there are tax reliefs out there that you are entitled to, but not informed of, so start applying.

Happy New Year

Firstly Happy New Year.  This is a somewhat belated post, but I wanted to make sure it didn't get stuck in the Christmas / New Year post traffic.

2009 gave us a challenging year financially, but at the same time it gave us many wonderful experiences.  These experiences probably brought us closer together as a family and we have a lot more more adventures to talk about.  Our kids are still mentioning things they saw in 2009 and our son has progressed so much after starting in his new play school.

It is often easier to only look at the negative experiences, which can cause frustration and silly arguments.  The recession was something outside our control, so we simply had to deal with it.  I'm still convinced that, despite how hard it might sound, the recession has been a good thing for Ireland.  The Irish economy has been bloated for years, people have bought expensive luxury goods, travelled the World and changed house or car at least once in the past 10 years. Well,  cars probably changed every second year.  Prices have as a result been inflated and we paid for them, so now these are being critically reviewed and assessed by consumers.  Everybody is trying to save a bit of money now.

We should instead focus on and appreciate the positive moments.  And, we had plenty of these in 2009.

Of course we had to, as so many other families, make some minor financial adjustments to make sure we could continue our lives without worries. In theory, it is just a matter of cutting out the unnecessary expenditures and luxury purchases.

I believe that despite the unpleasant experiences encountered in our workplaces, increases of taxes, decrease in salaries, lost jobs, etc. we learnt some other valuable skills that made our lives better in some way.  Sure, we didn't get  the usual exotic holidays to Central America or Disney World, but we had some truly wonderful holidays in Ireland.

We re-discovered Ireland and all the magical places (and some not so magical) to visit.  Spent hours in the car laughing, listening to music and watched Kung Fu Panda 40 times.  Our patience as parents was tested and the rewards have been absolutely fantastic.  How many families can say that their son was toilet trained in a car, between Dublin and the Giant's Causeway.  The isle of Ireland was explored; North and South of the border.

Instead of taking off weeks, I took of Fridays and Mondays, giving us a lot of long weekends together, which we spent in and around the house.  The kids had their own room maker-overs. We also gave the dogs + garden a make-over.

The tighter economy forced us to look at other activities, and how to save money.  So we planted a vegetable and herb garden.  Our daughter started horseback riding and our son started a new play school.

All in all, we had a fantastic 2009, despite the worries we had about money.  The kids really enjoyed themselves and that's what matters for us.

What did you learn from the year that went?

- the obvious one for me is that I learnt how to blog.  If I'm successful or not, that doesn't matter. I enjoy it.

On top of that, I'm still getting older and fatter and I'm still loving life.  The famous mid-life crisis is lurking around the next corner, even if I have nothing to worry about.  In honesty, I do wonder where all the years went and how fast times flies when you have kids.
- I even gave up smoking.

Any regrets?  Not here.

Again, I wish you a fantastic New Year.  Try to do something different this year and do a stay-cation (vacation at home).  Discover the country or region you live in.  It is too easy to escape to far far away shores, when you can have just as much fun at home.