Carplicity

A few years ago, during the Celtic tiger heydays, my wife and I had a bit of extra cash and we were the owners of two cars; one each...wow!  This was in fact a normal occurrence in those days, as everybody absolutely needed the extra car and it was so easy to get money off the bank.  Having more than one car per household quickly became a norm and many houses in our estate had 2-4 cars.  Now, the same households still have 2-4 cars, but now all of them are for sale, so they can pay off their debt.

We each needed a car because we were both working. We had one SUV and one old banger (Renault Megane).  It just made sense as we both had to leave the house, at the exact same time every morning, both going towards the city to work, but in one car each.  My wife was actually following me.  We wouldn't have been able to do this without two cars.  Both cars would be parked all day in the office car-park.

Public transportation in Ireland was OK 6-7 years ago, but it wasn't ideal to use buses during the Tiger days.  Do you think I'd walk 0.5 mile to the nearest bus stop from my house and 1 mile from the bus stop in town to my work?  This would mean exercise and I might loose weight and get in shape.  It's much more fun to sit in a car, in rush hour traffic for almost an hour each way!  I only had approx. 10 miles to work and there was absolutely no way I was risking my life on a bicycle.  These fecking male teenage drivers in their pimped up racer cars (Toyota Corolla probably) have no respect for bikers, and neither does the rest of the Irish automobile population. In fact, I don't think half of them should be on the roads as they never had to sit a driver or theory test.  Over here, you simply get the provisional license without knowing anything. It's like buying sweets in a vending machine.  You might sit a theoretical test, but you don't need to pass it to drive home using your provisional license.

Another reason not to ride on the metal horse was that my work didn't have any shower facilities and I don't think my colleagues would appreciate me sitting in my sweaty smelly clothes all day.

As the kids came along we soon discovered that there was no point in me driving the SUV, because my wife needed it to drop off the kids to the creches - much more comfortable than the old banger!!  So, I started to drive the unreliable wreck instead.  Thankfully we have roadside recovery included in our insurance.  Little did I know, that it would become invaluable.

One Friday evening, going home from work, my journey took me through a less attractive part of the inner city.  Like any other major City, evening time equals rush-hour traffic.  I was queuing at a traffic light and as it turned green the bloody car stalled.  It wouldn't start again, so I started to push it up on the sidewalk.  As in Resident Evil, weird creatures came out from the doorways, dragging and dangling their limbs.  I must admit, I was slightly nervous and expected them to attack me - perhaps they would even sexually abuse me while listening to the Pogues' "Christmas in New York".  But, to my astonishment, they started to help me and even started a conversation.  I had no idea what they said, mainly because of their strong inner-city accent, but also because they were half drunk.  I called road-watch and they came to my rescue almost 2 hours later, leaving me stranded on a Friday evening, in the rain.

Another time I got stuck in the outskirts of the inner-city, but this time nobody helped me push the car, so I pushed the car myself.  I was soar three days solid.

This went on for another few months and we finally agreed to sell it, which we managed to do.  I only got two calls from the new owner within 2 weeks, but the deal was done and she now owned the old banger.

So, against all odds, I was now forced to use public transportation, which actually wasn't so bad.  I could sleep on the bus, while listening to my iPod.  I'm not too sure if I snore and drool, but there's not much I could do about that as I was out cold as soon as I sat down.  It was worst when it rained.  The bus would steam up completely and all people would be soaked.

Within 2 months I bought my hog, my Vespa scooter.

Being Number 1...

How do you know if you've been a good dad, and importantly, if you are a good dad?  In my humble opinion, there is no formula and there is no course you can take to become a good dad.  It's not like you get a certificate from the School of Excellent Parents. It might surprise some men, but you cannot sit an online exam on Facebook either.  You can only do your best.  The amazing thing is, your kids will love you for who you are - perhaps not as much when you embarrass them in front of their friends, such as singing, teaching the kids how to break dance or simply just kissing them in front of their friends.

This sounds very flower-power-ish and free spirited, but honestly, relax and enjoy being a dad.  I try to most of the time, but they can drive you up the wall at times too. Looking back at those incidents, you can only laugh at them.  I was pretty annoying at times when I was a kid, according to my dad, but I totally refute that statement.  He can't prove that I broke the fence in the back garden or caused the dog to have explosive diarrhea.

The best thing about being a dad is when you come home and you are greeted by the little devils. They run towards you while they hide the permanent makers behind their backs, trying to eliminate evidence of them drawing on the walls.  When you then ask them "did you do this?" they just stare at you with their Bambi eyes and say "no dad, those paintings have been there all the time!".  You gotta love them.  I'm positive it has nothing to do with them seeing their parents decorate the walls with Disney characters, thinking it would be OK to add their own take on Woody or Buzz.

It's magic when they come up to you and beg to see a movie with you on the sofa. They hand you the DVD and you insert it, only to discover that it has been used as a hover-board across the kitchen floor tiles, rendering it useless.  We've bought so many replacement DVDs of their favorite movies, only to find that they too suffer the same fate as the previous 10 copies.  We've learned from our mistakes and have copies stored on the Mac now, so they can be streamed to the TV. Bless Apple.

BUT, one thing that we men can do, and something that the kids do not want to do with their mums, is to play with Lego, trains, Playmobil, toy soldiers, cars, etc.  And, this is to the delight of us dads.  As my previous blog states, we men LOVE to play with toys again and we will use any excuse to prove this to the kids.  I once played with Lego, building castles and jungles, and didn't even notice that my son was asleep and my daughter had gone to bed - it was only 22.30 (10.30pm) in the evening.  If it hadn't been for my wife,  I would have played all night.

It is also fantastic to play games with your kids in the pool, again, games that mums don't want to play (throwing the kids in the pool, up in the air, etc.).  My daughter especially likes sitting on my shoulders while we venture into the deep in the pool. She once told me to freeze, so she could pee on my shoulders!  My son on the contrary would act like a real man. He'd jump out of the pool and stand quietly and pee on the edge of the pool - making it look casual, as if it was just water running down his legs.  However, somehow I don't think my son will ever forgive me for taking him down the longest and coldest water slide in Latin America - in Costa Rica.

As parents, you just want to make sure your kids are having fun and that they love you.  Although the Beatles once sang, "can't buy me love", by God do we still try.  Especially your first child is spoiled rotten.  They need to get the best beds, sheep skins, designer toys and furniture, and of course the best holiday destinations.  How many kids out there can proudly say they've been to Mexico, USA, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic and several countries in Europe, by the time they are 5?  Not many. We discovered this year that spending a lot of money on holidays doesn't really matter, as long as they spend time with their parents.

This year we saw, what my wife and I would normally consider boring, so many things with our kids around where we live, and we had a blast.

• My son pooped in the car while on a road-trip and we just laughed about it - a few hours afterwards of course.
• Build our vegetable garden and planted useful crops such as leeks and brussels sprouts. We can sell them at the market now. We have so many.
• Our daughter tried horseback riding, fell off and still loves it.
• We visited far away places, at least it felt like going back in time, when seeing small villages (with issues) in Northern Ireland.
• I pooped my pants when I crossed a rope bridge in windy and rainy conditions.
• My wife learned a new skill, taking over one of my male dominated areas, and became BBQ master of the house.

Kids also know when to embarrass the hell out of you, in public.  Going to the hospital with my son is a learning experience for any man, and to witness how he gets into the nurses bra and claps their bums within seconds is the work of a true master - and he gets away with it.

My clever little daughter speaks English and Spanish fluently, and demonstrated her ability to switch languages on our recent trip to Costa Rica.  She knew that people there spoke Spanish, so she quietly said to my wife one day at the pool (in English) "Mum, look how fat that woman is".  The woman next to us, the target, looked across and simply smiled at my wife - she spoke English!!

Kids are so honest, all the time. I'm now known as the annoying donkey (Shrek movies) by my daughter, as she thinks it's annoying when I hassle her to go to bed.

So, how do you know if you are a good dad and parent?  I have absolutely no idea, but I'll ask my kids.

I try to, most of the time, to smile when they misbehave.  I might have a little outburst when they pour juice into my keyboard or delete an entire music library from the Mac. Then I realize that it was I that showed them how to use the Mac, so it's my own fault, right?

My advise to you, man to parent, is to let your hair down (if you've got any) and enjoy being a parent.  I'm dreading for my kids start to play away from the house, meeting friends at the corner-shop and having sleepovers. I would be up all night, worrying what might happen.  Why can't they just have sleepovers via Skype?  There must be some technology you could avail of, to keep them safe.  What's wrong with inserting tracking devices in your kids, to keep them safe?  Imagine combining the tracking with Google maps and you would know EXACTLY where they are - except the image would be static of course, but you get the point.
- I'll probably call in a few favors if a guy breaks my girl's heart.

By the way, is it wrong to teach your 5 year old daughter to play Half-life 2 and Command & Conquer?  I just need somebody to play against!

The way to your woman's heart...

It has for years been a lost art to buy presents for your girlfriends / wives, and it is something that we men struggle with every year.  I've browsed the Internet for years now, trying to find the right present for my wife, but the various results are based on me having €10 million or more in the bank.  And more so, what does the internet know anyway, it doesn't know my wife.  So, I'm left to decide myself.

The classic items that most guys buy for their misses are lingerie.  I strongly believe, and I might write a thesis about this behavior one day, but most men tend to compare their wife with the shop assistant.  This is a classical schoolboy error, as the girl in the shop is NOT the same size as your wife.  As a result, men buy the wrong sizes, often way too small below and too big on top, which will have a negative impact on the mood of your wife.  Despite this known fact, men don't seem to change their behaviors and continue to go to these exotic shops. The real reason is most likely that men go to these shops only to be able to look at half-naked women without getting into trouble.

I too have bought my share of sexy lingerie for my wife and she too would have to change the lingerie because of the sizes.  So, a few years ago I decided to do something about it and I wanted to buy her something special - don't we all.  Guys, if you get it right, you get rewarded.  It is therefore in your interest too to make your wife happy.

In the name of sharing, here's one for the guys, when buying presents to their girlfriends.  Making presents special, no matter the occasion, is essential.  You want brownie points, right?  So think about what you buy.  Buying presents to your partner is an International challenge, so this should work across the World.  These are successfully tested.

• 5 Senses - it might not seem that romantic, but find something that will awaken her 5 senses.  One year, I bought my girl something for each of these senses, and my God did it work!  You can of course choose what you want, and it does not have to cost a fortune, as long as your wife will like it.  Here's my list:
• Sight; her favorite movie, "Giant" with James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor
• Feel; extremely soft silk scarf
• Smell; a new perfume
• Hear; a music CD
• Taste; cooked her dinner
• Body Sensations - these would be presents that obviously focuses on her body, and NOT in a sexual way you pervert - so, no toys!!  I would recommend something more like:
• Nice smelling soap
• Soft body lotions
• Body scrub soap and sponge
• Natural Beauty - this can cover different events, but make sure you keep the presents the same. So if you want fashion then stick to a set of matching clothes, not multiple different shirts.  The same goes for make-up.  As you can see, this can be used for several birthdays, but do not use this theme twice in a row.
• Sporty Spice - is an opportunity to get her some sports equipment.  Please be careful, as this can backfire if you buy her the wrong thing like a scale, too small sports clothes or a running machine.
• Relaxation (my favorite) - is particularly useful if you've had your first child.  Your wife will be exhausted, so give her spa treatments or massage packages for a local spa.  She will REALLY appreciate this.

A lot of men would commit crimes against the female figures, by buying chocolate.  Chocolate will be accepted with a big smile, but as soon as the chocolate is gone, your wife will hate you - at least for a short while.  How could you be so cold!  She will blame you for gaining weight and then you will get the toughest question in the World, "Do I look fat in this dress?". Mate, you are walking on very thin ice.

The best present I ever bought my wife, was on a holiday to Cancun (Mexico).   We had invited the in-laws to Mexico and on a particular day we went shopping - as you do with your wife.  My wife and her mother entered an exclusive gemstone shop.  I spotted some jewelry that I knew my wife would love, ring and ear-rings.  Sneaky as I am, I persuade my mother-in-law to get my wife to try the ring, as it is crucial to get the right size.  When we later that evening celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, I gave her the present - bingo!  2 million brownie points for me.

I've never been a huge fan of flowers, mainly because it is so common, but also because it is VERY difficult to drive a scooter with a bouquet of flowers.  The odd surprise works much better, such as taking her out for dinner or asking her on a date to the cinema.  It doesn't really matter if you've been going out for years, it is just the gesture of spending time alone.

This has worked well for me, but if anything in your plan backfires, after having used my suggestions, then I pledge the 5th Amendment (you do it on your own risk).

Pregnancy for men, third child...

The middle of 2009 was the time the fecking recession hit our family and where we had to take certain measures to reduce luxury spending. It unfortunately included traveling abroad.  So, there are a lot more staying at home evenings and short excursions around Ireland.  Nothing wrong with that, we actually have had a blast on our excursions.  So, in mid September we happily informed our families that we were expecting our third child.

So, how did family and friends react to the news - again?  Well my parents were initially excited (for the first 5 seconds of the phone call that is) on our behalf, but then my mum asked "... how do I do this on the Mac?".  You have to expect that friends and family are no longer as excited on your behalf, as with the first two, but by large they were all very happy for us even if they were somewhat surprised that we were planning this during a recession.  In my opinion, having a baby doesn't really impact the recession.

Some would say that the novelty of having a baby wears off when having kid number 2 and by kid number 3 it is just something that has to be done.  WRONG! Your wife (or girlfriend) will experience new pregnancy symptoms that she swears she didn't feel before or she might say that this baby is much better.  However, from talking to other families with three kids, the third pregnancy is for some reason worse. Everything seems to be intensified, including your wife's short-fused temper.  And on top of that, you still have to mind the other two kids!

My wife previously never really experienced morning sickness. This pregnancy ensured that my wife felt morning sickness with a vengeance.  For the record, morning sickness is not only restricted to the morning. My wife was getting sick throughout the day... (evil laughter)

As an example, I'm Danish and enjoy pork meatballs, pork chops, pork roast, pork sausages, etc.  BUT, my dear lovely pregnant wife developed a certain nausea whenever I cooked anything with pork.  This resulted in us eating couscous, shitload of pasta, fish, poultry, vegetarian food and beef.  Every time she smelled heated pork (fried, roasted, nuked, me, etc.) she almost vomited (sometimes she did).

Previously my wife would have craved and eaten anything that we had, but this time it was more controlled - for a while at least.  Her portions increased gradually during the pregnancy, but because of the busy schedule with the other two kids, she walked off most of the food quickly.  However, she developed a worrying fetish for crackers with pate, fresh lemonade and all kinds of fruits. She was eating very healthy this time.

One of the enjoyable side effects of being pregnant, well more after giving birth, is that my wife suffers from the Dolly Parton syndrome.  Depending on the milk production, the breasts swell up to oversized proportions.  Unfortunately this is for show only, as they apparently get really sensitive due to the pressure produced by the milk inside.

A less attractive side of the Dolly Parton syndrome is that your wife (partner or girlfriend) starts lactating and needs to relieve the pressure either by breastfeeding or pumping.  The latter can be somewhat frustrating at times.  While you are watching a thriller or horror movie, you all of a sudden hear this humming / buzzing / squeezing noise, only to discover that your girl is milking herself.  Nothing sexy about breasts making farting sounds. It can ruin the suspense in any movie.

After the baby was born, we had 2 hours to ourselves while all the kids had gone to bed, so we had some nice food I cooked.  We were chatting away and I was enjoying a glass of wine - ahhhh, just like old times.  But, instead of a nice dessert, my wife pulled out the breast pump and started extracting milk.  At that moment, you realise that romantic dinners will not be the same for a while.
Our freezer is full of breastmilk, and I've considered making ice-cream, cheese and other dairy products from it, but I'm not sure how our guests will react.  Also, it tastes rather funny in coffee.

During the pregnancy, my wife had to have her fluids in the womb checked.  This is test is called the amniocentesis test and is basically a needle inserted in the womb (through the belly) and the fluids are analysed.  The main purpose is to test for any chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome. The test is conducted mainly on women over 40 or if you have a child with e.g. Down Syndrome.  Our son was born with Down Syndrome, so we had to get it done... click here to read about the Needle in the Belly.

Another thing is that when a woman is pregnant, no matter if it is the first, second or third, she gets REALLY tired.  I have on multiple occasions attempted to have conversations with my wife, only to discover that she has fallen asleep and she is sitting in the sofa drooling.  Again, you love your wife for better and for worse, so I simply place a towel under her chin and let her sleep.

Despite this sleep issue, my wife refuses to go to bed before 21.00 - "Only kids go to bed before 9 o'clock news", she says.  And then she wonders why she's exhausted the next day.  In fact, I can't drag her out of bed and she does not complain about my snoring any more. She is so far away in Never Never Land that not even Peter Pan knows where she is.

The ever lasting question during our third pregnancy (please note that I said our) was whether the baby would come early like the other two, or if this one would come on time.  We just wanted the baby to be born closer to the due date this time. Our families were more interested whether it would be a boy or a girl. We didn't mind if we were having a boy or a child, but various family members started to bet early in the term.

One thing I "missed", but my wife didn't, was meeting the doctor for her monthly / bi-weekly check-ups.   Despite working with sensitive women, hormones and mood swings, he said things as he saw them.  He cracks me up, but I had to laugh inside, otherwise my wife would beat me up after the sessions.

Anyways, we were of course very excited and looked very much forward to our third wonder.

------- Suggested reading:
"Ready or Not!" - a star is born

First day of school [skool] for my daughter [daw-ter]

As parents you measure your life in milestones based on your children's activities.  The fact is, you no longer have your own activities and if you did, these would be very short and scheduled when the kids are asleep.  But, luckily the majority of people you socialise with are probably in the same situation, so going to the local pub once every 6 months should be possible.  Gym?  Haven't been to the gym for decades.

So, it is no surprise that when your child starts school, this big day is a major event and it is vital that both parents attend.  Our big day had been in planning ever since our daughter was born.  In Ireland, you have to register for school as soon as possible, to make sure the child gets in (ridiculous). So we registered our daughter 18 minutes after giving birth.  Felt stupid filling in forms still wearing the surgical outfit and goggles.

Our daugther started school, Junior Infants, last year.  It was somewhat surreal to attend the introduction meetings during the summer where the principal talked about what to expect.  This in itself was in hindsight planned at a ridiculous time.  It was in the evening at 19.00 (7pm), when kids are meant to be sleeping - at least ours.  If you don't have a babysitter and two kids, then this becomes a challenge.  Therefore, most parents attending this meeting had brought their kids along, making it almost impossible for the principal to speak.  Funnily enough, as soon as the principal stood up on stage all the men fell silent, and I did too.  I guess we all had some run-ins with the principal when we were kids. Now, we wanted to behave when the principal was nearby - a natural reaction, a power that comes with being The Principal.

All the proud parents attended the two hour long briefing on how important it is to drop off your kids and leg it, as well as the method they use to teach kids how to read and write.  They use phonetics, which is basically pronouncing the sounds of the letters when spelling.  For me, it was a challenge to understand my daughter for a few weeks after she started, as she was using these sounds for a lot of words.  It would be the same if you were to read [reed] phonetic /fəˈnɛtɪks, foʊ-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fuh-net-iks] writing [ra:i-ting].  Gradually, this becomes your second language when you do homework with your child and you have to have full conversations using the phonetic language (which doesn't exist by the way).  Having spent two hours on really uncomfortable chairs, we left the school no wiser and probably even more nervous about the Big Day.

This is were the madness began.  My wife wanted our daughter to have enough different outfits to last her the first school year, resulting in a shopping spree in Zara, H&M, Next, Benetton, Designer labels, picking up 238 outfits with matching accessories.  Slightly exaggerated, but we bought a lot.  This was pre-recession of course.  Due to the recession, my son will probably inherit all the clothes, hand-me-downs, when he starts school, which would make him a perfect target for being beaten up. Nobody, except Scottish kids, wear kilts to school!!

We also bought her a new school bag, with wheels on, and a lunchbox.  I provided some pens and paper, sponsored by my work. She was ready to take on Junior Infants.  We should have known better, but I gave her a pencil sharpener, which lead to all pencils being sharpened until they were an inch long.  I could not borrow more pencils from work, so we had to buy her a new pack.  All her books were bought as soon as we got the book list.

The Big Day finally arrived and my daughter was ecstatic. This was it, out little girl was all grown up now, leaving the house for a part-time school career.  Yes, she had attended play-school, but this was different and it felt different too - probably because my wife was sobbing the days leading up to the 1st day of school.

We left the house earlier that morning, to make sure we were on time, only to find that all streets within a mile were blocked by cars.  All parents in the area were taking their kids to school too - weird!  Luckily we had VIP parking in the area.  Dressed in the latest kids fashion, we proudly walked to school and made our way to the yard.  All kids were so excited, but the parents even more.

ALL parents, including ourselves, had brought along any film camera we could find, to document the special moment in our lives; mobile phones, digital cameras, video, polaroid, etc.  You name, it was there.  Every step you took, you were asked to get out of the frame or got a video camera in the face as the proud father was following his child walking with the school bag.  I was exactly the same, honestly, and I was even using a 'clapper' for the various scenes.  My wife was so embarrassed everytime I screamed "Action!".

The teachers came out of each classroom, calling in the kids, and this is where emotions erupted.  Remember the scene in Indiana Jones, where the Nazi woman looks at the Jones' and screams "ALARM!"  It was like scenes from Titanic. All mothers holding on to their kids and whispering "Don't let go!"  In every direction you looked, people were crying and kids screaming.  I think the parents were the root of the problem. I had to be dragged screaming (and most likely crying too) out of the room by the school caretaker, holding on to my daughter and her table + chair.  My wife was locking herself to the rail, in the yard for some reason like some tree-hugger. She kept scratching me when I was trying to remove her from the rail while she was crying uncontrollably.  It was absolutely chaotic.  I remember seeing one parent pretending to faint hoping to delay school start - how childish!  All this caused our poor kids to get scared and start to cry.  I'm sure the teachers were dreading this day all summer.

Most kids sat in their chairs and were innocent spectators to their parents behaviours, not knowing how to react. They were just looking forward to their first day in school.

After the civil war scenes had finished with most parents receiving detention from the principal,  school finally started. All parents walked calmly to their cars.  Most women were still in tears and trying to find ways to run back, but their husbands held them back.

My wife picked up our daughter after lunch and she had had a blast in school, making so many friends and playing in the yard.  She ate her lunch and she was basically delighted to be in school.  The drama went on a few more mornings, for the other kids of course.  My wife had her moments every evening, questioning if our daughter was ready for this, quietly crying in the bathroom.   I was ordered to delete certain parts of the recorded footage, still and moving images, so I guess censorship still applies in some countries.

Anyway, we survived our daughter's first day in school. Now we are already planning our son's first day in school.

Good luck to all the new parents.  I've heard they have riot gear on sale in London, after the recent summit.