Arctic Conditions...

The winters in Ireland are normally wet, like the rest of the year, and windy.  So when it gets a little bit cold, and I mean less than zero, the country is preparing for the next ice age.  It's hilarious to see your neighbors pouring boiling water on their car windows, instead of just scrapping it off.  I wonder when they'll realise that boiling water is NOT good for the rubber around the window or the car paint.

One Wednesday in January 2010, snow and hail fell furiosuly for a couple of hours and as a result ALL roads were covered with a few inches of thick ice.  In all fairness, that would paralyze most traffic in any part of the World, for a few hours - but no more than that.

Irish drivers are at best bad drivers, rushing all the time, ignoring basic traffic rules and doing the usual hazardous routines while driving, such as:
- IUsing mobile phone when driving (international trend nowadays)
- Putting on make-up (which I'm finding difficult when driving the scooter and wearing a helmet)
- No right turn signs = turn right allowed (not actually sure if indicators come as standard in irish cars?)
- Red light means accelerate faster
- Bicycles and motorcycles are merely obstacles that has to be overcome

All in all, it is a bit like the famous PC game Carmageddon.  Throw in a bit of hazardous driving condition, and the game is on.

When snow does hit Ireland, it is like arctic conditions.  Plumbing in houses freeze, water reservoirs run out of water and the city councils haven't ordered sand or salt since 1981 when they were hit with the big freeze like most of Northern Europe.  As a result, the roads are not gritted, leaving the ice to get tougher and more slippery.
- I was horrified to discover why the reservoirs where empty.  Residents had been advised to keep their taps running, to prevent the pipes from freezing up!!!!

As I'm from Denmark, where you do get snow, I have some experience in driving in these conditions (by no means an expert), but driving a scooter on 3 inches of ice is NOT recommended.  It basically took me 2 hours to get home that afternoon.  And, I now know what trench feet are.  My feet were frozen solid for a few hours, but other than that I made it home.

The airport was closed for 24 hours, and even then, the amount of flights leaving was reduced drastically.  Not even sure the Dublin Airport Authority (DAA) has defrost for the planes, hence they are stuck at the terminals.  Most airports in the Northern hemisphere have defrosting machines, so the planes can leave.

The most "amusing" thing is that Ireland only seem to have a handful of gritting machines and snow plows, so the secondary roads were left alone.  For those people who knows Dublin, that means that the only main road cleared was the M50.

The day after the "heavy" snowfall, I decided to take the car to work.  I barely made it out of the estate, before I the so-called SUV was sliding all over the road.  We should probably have changed the tires 2 years ago, so there was no grip.  At the first traffic light, I was basically stuck - wheels spinning, but going nowhere.  Just as I was getting a grip, a giant 18-wheeler truck came sliding by (in front), almost jackknifed, and that's when I decided to go back home.

A bit of snow and the fecking country was paralyzed.  It was pretty annoying having to call work that morning, telling them I couldn't get out of the estate.  To make things worse, in order to get into work Friday, I had to treck for almost 3 kilometres, across th frozen tundra, stranded cars and white landscapes.

I almost peed my pants laughing, when I saw the news headlines "Arctic Conditions in Ireland".  Have these people not heard of countries where snow is a regular occurence and where winters are pitch black, only lit up by the white snow.  Some parts of Russia have -50 degrees, but the roads are still cleared.

I'm just waiting for when we get a real winter and all pipes in house freezeor burst, then they'll realise that they have built and insulated hourses wrong.  Who in their right mind would recommend having water pipes on the outside of the houses?

The not so glorious Bastards...

Quentin Tarantino hasn't released many great movies in recent years. So, when I heard he was making a World War II movie I was anxious to see it.  Surely, the man who created "From Dusk till Dawn", "Pulp Fiction" and "Reservoir Dogs" would be able to make a class movie, combining the gory fight scenes, the humorous dialogue and story.

The cast, as usual, was a lot of less famous actors and then one of the greatest male actors in the last decade - Brad Pitt.  This was bound to be a great World War II movie, following a unique squad of US soldiers trying to kill as many Nazi soldiers as possible.

The trailers were great, portraying Pitt's character as a real mean bastard that was looking for his scalps.  These helped build up the excitement and the anticipation grew.

Finally it arrived on DVD.  We don't get to the cinema that often, so we normally wait for the titles to be released on DVD.  It's much easier too.  You can just pause the movie, get coffee and snacks.

Excited, hoping for a movie similar to "Where Eagles Dare" with a Tarantino twist, I quickly started the movie.  The first 10 minutes was a scene in the French country side, showing a farmer hiding Jews and how the Nazis tries to get him to reveal where they were hidden.  They succeed. They killed all the Jews and let one little girl escape.  So, the plot was already there.  The girl would obviously play an important role later in the movie.

Thereafter, the movie turns to shite.  It rarely shows the bastards or any of their dirty deeds. It  focuses mainly on other smaller groups of the resistance that are trying to kill Nazi leaders.  Most of the dialogue is either in French or German, which is no problem, but there were only few of Tarantino's classic bloody fight scenes - in fact, I only counted three.  Well below the Tarantino standard.

Poor screenplay and a lot less action than I expected.  So, you can imagine how surprised I was, when I saw the movie was nominated for an Oscar.  For what? The worst WWII movie in recent years? The crappiest foreign movie produced? Blimey, I'd rather watch "Legend" with Tom Cruise, than see the "Not-so glorious bastards" again.  I rarely turn off movies before the actually finish, but this one I did.

The trailers and movie poster, and the attention from the press, gave the movie a lot more credit than it was worth.  I wonder if Tarantino is getting old and soft.
- I have to admit, the bad guy in the movie (the Nazi officer) was well acted, a real bastard.  And, Pitt did a great job too - when he was on.

Usut mikisuaraavoq, talliunnaranilu - visit to Greenland

(fair play to you, if you can translate the greenlandic words)

Back in '79 - '80, my parents decided they wanted to be a host family to a teenager from Greenland. Back in those days Greenland was ruled by the Danish government. It was our last colony.

Please note that most nations such as UK, Holland, Portugal, all had their share of colonies, but for some bizarre reason the Danes went as far North as possible, and found the coldest piece of rock and claimed it as theirs.  Rumour has it that Iceland should have been named Greenland and vice versa, but some old fart made a mistake on some maps and the names were permanently swapped.  No wonder Denmark never "discovered" and owned other colonies around the World.  We did have some islands in the Caribbean, but we sold them!

Anyway, we had this teenager living with us for 3 months, hoping to help her learn Danish.  To be honest, 3 months is not enough time to learn Danish, especially not the dialect we use in my hometown.

The 3 months passed by quickly and she went home again.  As my parents had volunteered to host a language student, we were invited to visit her village in Greenland.  So, along with 4 other families in our community, we left for Greenland for a two weeks holiday.  As previously mentioned, this was in the early '80s, so Disneyland Paris was not an option and not many of my friends had been on an airplane.  I was as a result the coolest kid in my class - at least for two days.

I was around 8 years old and flying for the first time.  I don't really remember much of the 5 hour flight, and my parents are still refusing to talk about it.  Perhaps that's why my mum is still scared of flying.  To make me even more of a celebrity in my class, I also flew in a helicopter for the first time.  Unfortunately that experience caused me to be deaf for two days solid, because  I was sitting on the side of the engine. So, all I heard for two days was the engine!!

One thing to know about Greenland is that the sun shines almost 24 hours a day, well, at least 20 hours, which is brilliant for us kids and annoying for our parents.  The most amazing thing about Greenland was seeing the Northern Lights - the sky shimmering and full of colours.  It cannot be described well enough. It has to be seen first hand.

My dad packed the only thing he needed to pack, which was the handycam and the camera - both items top of the range back in the '70s.  Neither survived long into the '80s, but we still have the film from the cameras.  Brilliant to watch...and yet scary.

So, what was there to see in Greenland beside icebergs and mountains?  Not much really, but that wasn't the point either.  We stayed in something that looked like a giant wooden train, with bunkbeds.  It was absolutely hilarious to watch my slightly overweight dad, with a beerbelly, climbing up.  My mum was terrified that it would break. She was underneath him.  I shared a sofabed with my sister.

This was an educational trip, in many ways. It was a trip where we were to get to know Greenland and its culture.  Looking back at it, it was actually a really cool trip.

We were lucky to have a local guide, who drove us to all the sights that had been organised for us. He had a Volkswagen van; one of those with sliding doors.  On Greenland, when it rains and the snow melts, loads of water runs down to the sea, through the villages.  As a result, the council had been clever enough to build these gigantic ditches, which were 4-5 feet deep. The ditches were covered with a dark green algae during the summer.

One day, after arriving back to our wooden train house, I was very eager to get out of the van.  Agile as I was, being 8 years old, I jumped out of the van, completely forgetting about the ditches.  Without a sound, my well known ninja style, I slid down the ditch. I was instantly covered in the green algae.  My dad, who hadn't seen me disappear, started to shout for me. He was getting agitated because he couldn't find me and because I didn't answer.  Either way, he was getting slightly impatient.  Suddenly, he heard my faint cry and looked down the ditch. There he saw his favorite son (only son by the way) covered in green algae. He immediately jumped in to get me out.  He too slid in the slippery algae and landed on his butt.  Despite the embarrassing situation we found us in; two tourists sitting on our butts in an algae covered ditch,  we started to laugh.  My dad picked me up and he got me out - dripping green sticky algae from my white hair.

Other cool adventures from our time in Greenland occurred when we were being introduced to various local foods.  Some were more disgusting than others, but for some reason kids don't always mind trying these new culinary experiences. Perhaps it helps when your parents are very enthusiastic and force you to try these.  As a result, my sister and I tried following local snacks:
(It was an experience alright, and I would try them again.)

• Freshly caught whale skin, against all Greenpeace rules. It is fairly chewy and salty.  It reminds me a bit of mild licorice.
• Freshly caught fish eyes. It reminds me mostly of a grape, with the exception that when you chew it, it is very salty, it has no flavour and the  consistency is as snot.
• NOT freshly caught fish, but wind dried sardines (same style as the ones you can buy for your pet!), with bones and eyes . Darn little pieces get stuck between your teeth.

My parents bought special equipment for the trip, just like I would do today, to ensure that we would be able to survive in the wilderness.  So, my parents invested in two sleeping bags for us kids.  But, these were not standard sleeping bags, but surviver sleeping bags.  Apparently, you could sleep in freezing conditions, down to -50 degrees. We put it to the test one night.  We were sailing overnight to another local village with a local ferry. We kids slept outside in -20 C degrees.  It was probably more like -10, but for the sake of the story, it was freezing Antarctic conditions.  We survived 6 minutes and legged it back inside.  We were no fools.

The locals took us fishing one day in small little motorised boats.  The boats only had enough room for 7-8 people.  The water was calm, dark blue and the icebergs were huge.  If only 10% were over the water, then I would hate to see the remaining 90%.  We were close enough to see large ice pieces falling off the actual ice cap, which was frightening.  It didn't make it any better when the guide said that we weren't getting any life jackets because if we fell into the water we wouldn't survive for long!!  Still, we went out fishing and stayed out for several hours, catching enormous cod fish and sea cucumbers (disgusting looking creature).

My sister and I also adopted a sled dog.  Well, it turned out it was a wild dog, but we cared for it anyway. We named it dosebier (can beer in German).  What we didn't know was that wild dogs are shot and the shooter gets a reward.  So, our dog didn't live that long, but we loved it as long as we had it.

There are two things that I still clearly remember; one embarrasing and one scary - you choose which is which.  They both happened on the same day funnily enough.

We were out sightseeing in mother nature, probably 50-100 kilometers from the nearest residential area, walking in the mountains and the snow.  Suddenly I had to do number 2.  When you are a kid, it just happens and you got to go NOW.  My dad looked around for trees, but there are no trees on Greenland - at least not where we were.  He spotted a church and we ran towards it, hoping the priest would have mercy on me.  Running is probably exaggerated, as it is difficult to run while you are squezing your checks together, trying to avoid an accident. Keep in mind, we were a long way from being able to change clothes too.  Anyway, we made it to the church, but there was nobody there!  Resourceful as my dad is, he quickly ripped off my pants, exposing my arse to nature (and the freezing wind) and placed me on a bin outside the church.  It was metal, so my poor checks were bitten by the cold rim, but I was relieved.  All we needed now was paper!!!!

Later that same day, we were out sightseeing on the glacier, and the guide told us about the Bitches Ditch (glacier crevasse), which is where unfaithful women were dumped ages ago.  Basically, they fell 20 meters down an icy void, only to be greeted with freezing water.  No way to escape.  And, who had to film into the crevasse with the family's first camera - my dad!  He was lying on his belly, while filming the frozen death trap.  My mum and us kids were begging him to step away from the edge. If it hadn't been for my earlier church experience, I would have blinked with the brown eye all over the glacier.  My dad slid away from the edge, back to safety and smiled at us with a victorious sparkle in his eyes.

All in all, it was an amazing experience visiting Greenland, and I would love to go back with my own family.  I know it will be difficult to persuade them, given that there are no amusement parks or sidewalk cafes, but it is a wonderful place to go.

- just don't adopt a dog and stay away from the local fish market.

(BTW, the title means 'you have a small penis, and it will never get bigger)

Who let the dogs out?

You haven't lived until you've visited a Pet Expo. The Pet Expo came to Dublin in October.  We simply had to go, not only to see all the ridiculous gadgets you could buy for our fluffy friends, but also so our kids could do something other than playing in the rain.  Playing Noah's Ark in the rain isn't that much fun after a while.  We just had to go because our kids love animals - especially dogs.

We went on Sunday afternoon, thinking we were outsmarting everyone by going on a holy day. We thought less people would be attending the expo.  Boy were we wrong!  2000 other people had the same idea, meaning we had to queue for 15 minutes before we were let in.  It was bizarre standing outside waiting, as we were surrounded by the strangest of animals.  No, not the other visitors, but snakes, dogs, spiders, cats and birds.  All of them going outside to get some fresh air and to have their pictures taken.

My dear wife had received a family voucher for the expo, which had expired 24 hours earlier, but the friendly cashier didn't seem to mind. That's what we love about Ireland. They are not strict about those things.  The kids were getting excited and dragged us through to the ticket stand. My son was dragging me to the toilet.  Drinking 0.5 liter juice while waiting outside was putting unnecessary pressure on his little bladder.

The first thing we noticed when entering the expo was the strong smell of animal feces.  It gave the experience a more authentic feel to it, as you had feces from all parts of the World.  It just made me wonder what they did with the dogs.  Was there outdoor facilities for canines or did they just have to hold it in?  Anyway, it made me look closely at where I stepped, hoping to avoid any squishy piles.

I couldn't believe the amount of stalls they crammed in.  Worse.  I couldn't believe what some of the stands were selling.  Dog therapy and massage!!  It was difficult to picture our Bernese Mountain Dog (Angel) with a cucumber face mask, while getting a pawdicure (pedicure for dogs). They had all kinds of outfits. They even had a fashion show!

We had agreed not to buy anything, or very little if possible. My daughter  and wife only bought 3 bags worth of accessories; back pack for our St. Bernard, Ultimate Dog Grooming kit for the Bernese and a Superman outfit for the Labrador.  I bought something that might have been on TV Shop, a non-spill drinking bowl.  My wife doubted my abilities to spot good deals, but having used the non-spill bowl for a few weeks, I must admit that it actually works.  I don't spill anymore and my dogs like it too.

In the middle of the expo area, they built a dog agility track.  I have always been amazed by those games when watching Crufts, and now we had a chance to see it live.  The dogs loved it and our kids were enjoying the show immensely.

After the agility show, they showed some dog training tricks and games.  I suddenly realised that dog trainers are a different breed of humans.  Appearances didn't seem to matter. They all used the same gadgets; little pouch for goodies, super tight T-shirt (no matter what size they were) and an over enthusiastic attitude.  I could just picture a movie with Will Ferrell, similar to "Blades of Glory".

Anyway, after 2 hours of walking around at the expo, witnessing the madness of dog breeders and holistic dog food from Scotland, we decided we had had enough.  Last stop was the face painting stall for kids.  They refused to pain my face!!

Irish Super Gnomes marches on...

Lucky me, I was invited to the Ireland vs. France match, a game that on paper looked to be in France's favour.  This was not just any game. It was a VERY important qualifying game for both Ireland and France.  Either country had to win in order to secure their tickets to the WC 2010.  The best team over two games will head to South Africa.

The game was taking place in Croke Park, Dublin's main stadium that has hosted many great events such as U2 360. It is the venue for multiple GAA games (hurling and gaelic football) throughout the year.  Hill 16 was built from the rubble left on O'Connell Street (Sackville Street) after the 1916 rising.  So, there's a lot of history and nationalism breathing within the giant Croke Park.  I've watched a couple of Hurling games from Hill 16 and the atmosphere is fantastic.

This time I was going to see The Green Army play Les Bleus, not from the stands but from premier level (also known as premier boxes). So that also meant free food and drinks.  As I've said in previous blogs (Chelsea CL game and FA Cup 2009), the only way to watch football is VIP style.  That said, I would love to see a game any time.

My friend and I arrived at the Croker around 18.00 to participate in the pre-match drinking games and view a few celebrities, mainly ex-Irish football players.  It was bound to be a great evening. I was certain Ireland would come out all guns blazing and running over the French frogs.

Even the Pope and Cardinal Desmond Tutu gave their support and blessings, hoping that the Irish would qualify for the World Cup in South Africa 2010.  Ireland was bound to win, considering that there are millions of Irish people outside of Ireland, in every country and any remote corner of the World, ready to support their relatives.  These numbers include, of course, all Americans that have 1/8 of Irish blood in them, who visit their relatives in Mayo every 10 years.

The game was OK. Ireland unfortunately lost 1-0 to France.  For 90+2 minutes the boys in green fought the battle, but not bravely enough.  On paper, France should have beaten Ireland 10-0. However the French didn't play with any passion or desire to win. They were even arguing with their coach.  The Irish focused mainly on defense, only bringing 2-3 forward. So, no wonder they didn't score.  Technically, the Irish simply weren't good enough.


In spite of this, the atmosphere in Croke Park was fantastic.  72000 Irish and 2500 French spectators must have been overwhelming for both teams.  Even if I'm not Irish, I felt proud being there and participated in singing the national anthem.  Did I cry?  No, but I probably farted quietly.


The Irish team received strong support even after being 1-0 down.  There's still a chance of Ireland qualifying for South Africa, but they have to win in France!  It's unlikely they will, but there's still hope for the green army.


I woke up the following morning, wondering if the taste in my mouth was that of defeat, but I soon realised that it was simply a combination of shitty burgers and too many pints of Guinness.  My kids were so happy to see me that they jumped into our bed, hugging me, not caring that my head was bursting.  They just didn't care that I had a minor hangover and why should they?  I just knew that I was getting too old for this shit.  My body and head just can't handle 7-8 pints of Guinness.  As Dubliners would say "I've got an arse on me like the back of Batman's car after all that Guinness last night".

I wasn't too sure that Ireland was the strongest team, so I had to compare a few key points, which should determine the true winner.  (France left and Ireland right)

• 65,000,000 vs 4,500,000 people - history shows that the Irish are stubborn people and they DO NOT want to be ruled by anyone (although they pretend to be British sometimes).  They will never follow bigger countries blindly (just the US and Britain). The Irish are always up for a good fight, so just because they are out-numbered 14:1 doesn't mean they will lay down their defenses.  Thierry Henry might be the best striker in the World (5 years ago), but the Irish have Dunne in defense, all pumped up on Guinness foam.
• GDP €2.6 trillion vs. GDP €282 billion - it is not all about money, but it would certainly help Ireland a lot, and make sure it is not stuck in the arsehole of the World's economy.  I'm "delighted" that we let banks and property developers ruin the Irish economy!!
• Thierry Henry vs. Robbie Keane - Henry has scored tons of goals for France, England and Spain. He must be considered as a top striker in the history of football.  However, Keane does not score many goals for Ireland, but scores many goals for Tottenham Hotspurs (England).  But, he's lethal. He runs around on the pitch like a little Tasmanian Devil. He's everywhere on the pitch; assists, free kicks, defending, getting water bottles, arguing with the ref and brings the crowd along. 
• Kronenbourg 1664 vs. Guinness - doesn't take much consideration or debate.  Guinness has it all; flavour, alcohol and it is filling as a meal too.  1664 is like drinking Mountain Dew. It's also bright yellow like pee.
• Pixies vs. Le Petit Prince - another easy win for Ireland.  Pixies are cute little fairytale creatures, whereas the Prince is an annoying little boy who has a problem with Baobab trees. He dies too. 
• Sarkozy vs. Brian Cowen - OK, France wins this one.  Sarkozy is short, elegant, well spoken and has his country under control (including economy).  Cowen is the direct opposite; butt ugly, chubby, poorly dressed, speaks funny and he has no control of his country and its economy.  You could say they are the Beauty and the Beast.
• Leon vs. Ray (in Bruges) - Yes, Leon is one of the coolest assassins in the movie industry, but Ray must be the funniest.  So, the winner is Ray.  Why?  Well, Leon is a loner and weirdo who dies in the end to save an obnoxious teenage girl.  Ray wins the girl and he doesn't die...and he karate chopped a midget.
• Brie vs. Cheddar - right, this is personal.  I hate cheddar with a vengeance.  It is hard and it has no taste.  Brie on the other hand is smooth, soft and delicious.  Also, France produces an abundance of different cheeses, whereas Ireland primarily produces Cheddar.  The only thing cheddar is good for is Macaroni and cheese.
• 4 seasons vs. 2 seasons - they call Ireland the Emerald (green) Island for a reason.  It rains every 2nd day here, so everything is therefore moist and green.  Ireland has two seasons; rainy and more rainy season.  Ideally, it would be great with a nice warm summer once in a while.

Overall, France unfortunately lost the competition here, but Ireland lost the first leg of an important football game.  So, who is one step closer to South Africa?

The Irish supporters are absolutely fantastic.  But, Ireland will have one big problem if they qualify because they don't have the dough to travel to South Africa.  On the other hand, nothing has been better for the economy than increased loans and credit card debt, so it might just be dragging Ireland out of the void.

Personally, I didn't care who won or qualified - no disrespect to any of the two countries.  My country, Denmark, already qualified by winning their games. They have also started to compose the Danish World Cup football anthem.

I wonder if the horrid twins Jedward will be singing for Ireland next year, if Ireland qualifies?

I hope Ireland qualifies so they can spice up the World Cup. Let's wish them best of luck for their next game in Paris.  Go buy shamrocks and pray to St. Patrick that they'll make it.