When Men became Men...

It was a dark and windy winter evening, more precisely a Saturday evening, and my lovely wife was going out. As in many relationships, that is when men decide to do all the stuff they normally wouldn't otherwise do; go to the chipper to get greasy food, drink normal coke, order pizza, smoke a pack of fags, watch horror or silly action movies (by the way, there are of course no silly action movies, just badly understood action movies) and play games on the Playstation. It wouldn't be any games, but gore, death and bloody games.

...and, while we do that, we play loud heavy metal music on the stereo.

Personally, I play 80's metal as it's so much more fun and the lyrics are crap.

My few hours of boyish behaviour was upon me and I was looking forward to killing a few zombies in the latest Resident Evil game and watching the shittiest action movies.

The evening started with a pack of Marlboro (reds of course) while I flushed down the batter burger with a few cans of Carlsberg. I have to support the local brewery.  At this point, the Van Damme action movie on the tele was coming to an end, which is the great thing about these no-brain action movies - they only last for max. 90 minutes.  Girlfriends just don't get this.

Time to chop the heads off of a walking zombie and shoot some bad guys in war torn Baghdad.

I loaded the Resident Evil game on my PS2 (Play station 2 for you who don't dig the lingo), turned off most of the lights in the apartment and turned up the volume.  Bring it on!

Soon, the living room was filled with screams, blood splatter on the screen and distant gun fire, as I moved my way through the various levels fully concentrated.  Adrenaline was pumping and I heard nothing other than the slicing of the chainsaw and the clattering chain-gun.

Zombies were reaching out from the darkness to smother me. Enemy snipers were trying to take me down.  Pure horror and terrifying effects were constantly placing my arse at the edge of my seat, ready for the next wave of pain.

This was a perfect boy night in.  My opportunity to show these fecking zombies who was the boss and commanding my unit effectively down the deserted streets of Baghdad.  I was in full control.  A real man in the making.  Nothing could cramp my style.

My character was walking down a dark corridor in the Hive (Resident Evil) and my fingers were ready for the next flesh eater.  Suddenly, a cold hand was placed on my shoulder and a soft voice asked if I was having fun.  I literally jumped 3 feet from the sofa, screaming like a frightened pig. I nearly wet my pants.  Fear of the worst kind had gripped me and I slowly moved into fetus position - the safest position to be in.

It was just my dear wife who had returned home without me hearing anything. She just wanted to check on me.  My reaction and pale white face made her burst into laughter, and she laughed uncontrollably for at least 10 minutes.  Personally, I didn't find this amusing.

Soon after this experience I sold my PS2.  Just couldn't get back into the game. I was always looking over my shoulder.

Arctic Conditions...

The winters in Ireland are normally wet, like the rest of the year, and windy.  So when it gets a little bit cold, and I mean less than zero, the country is preparing for the next ice age.  It's hilarious to see your neighbors pouring boiling water on their car windows, instead of just scrapping it off.  I wonder when they'll realise that boiling water is NOT good for the rubber around the window or the car paint.

One Wednesday in January 2010, snow and hail fell furiosuly for a couple of hours and as a result ALL roads were covered with a few inches of thick ice.  In all fairness, that would paralyze most traffic in any part of the World, for a few hours - but no more than that.

Irish drivers are at best bad drivers, rushing all the time, ignoring basic traffic rules and doing the usual hazardous routines while driving, such as:
- IUsing mobile phone when driving (international trend nowadays)
- Putting on make-up (which I'm finding difficult when driving the scooter and wearing a helmet)
- No right turn signs = turn right allowed (not actually sure if indicators come as standard in irish cars?)
- Red light means accelerate faster
- Bicycles and motorcycles are merely obstacles that has to be overcome

All in all, it is a bit like the famous PC game Carmageddon.  Throw in a bit of hazardous driving condition, and the game is on.

When snow does hit Ireland, it is like arctic conditions.  Plumbing in houses freeze, water reservoirs run out of water and the city councils haven't ordered sand or salt since 1981 when they were hit with the big freeze like most of Northern Europe.  As a result, the roads are not gritted, leaving the ice to get tougher and more slippery.
- I was horrified to discover why the reservoirs where empty.  Residents had been advised to keep their taps running, to prevent the pipes from freezing up!!!!

As I'm from Denmark, where you do get snow, I have some experience in driving in these conditions (by no means an expert), but driving a scooter on 3 inches of ice is NOT recommended.  It basically took me 2 hours to get home that afternoon.  And, I now know what trench feet are.  My feet were frozen solid for a few hours, but other than that I made it home.

The airport was closed for 24 hours, and even then, the amount of flights leaving was reduced drastically.  Not even sure the Dublin Airport Authority (DAA) has defrost for the planes, hence they are stuck at the terminals.  Most airports in the Northern hemisphere have defrosting machines, so the planes can leave.

The most "amusing" thing is that Ireland only seem to have a handful of gritting machines and snow plows, so the secondary roads were left alone.  For those people who knows Dublin, that means that the only main road cleared was the M50.

The day after the "heavy" snowfall, I decided to take the car to work.  I barely made it out of the estate, before I the so-called SUV was sliding all over the road.  We should probably have changed the tires 2 years ago, so there was no grip.  At the first traffic light, I was basically stuck - wheels spinning, but going nowhere.  Just as I was getting a grip, a giant 18-wheeler truck came sliding by (in front), almost jackknifed, and that's when I decided to go back home.

A bit of snow and the fecking country was paralyzed.  It was pretty annoying having to call work that morning, telling them I couldn't get out of the estate.  To make things worse, in order to get into work Friday, I had to treck for almost 3 kilometres, across th frozen tundra, stranded cars and white landscapes.

I almost peed my pants laughing, when I saw the news headlines "Arctic Conditions in Ireland".  Have these people not heard of countries where snow is a regular occurence and where winters are pitch black, only lit up by the white snow.  Some parts of Russia have -50 degrees, but the roads are still cleared.

I'm just waiting for when we get a real winter and all pipes in house freezeor burst, then they'll realise that they have built and insulated hourses wrong.  Who in their right mind would recommend having water pipes on the outside of the houses?

The not so glorious Bastards...

Quentin Tarantino hasn't released many great movies in recent years. So, when I heard he was making a World War II movie I was anxious to see it.  Surely, the man who created "From Dusk till Dawn", "Pulp Fiction" and "Reservoir Dogs" would be able to make a class movie, combining the gory fight scenes, the humorous dialogue and story.

The cast, as usual, was a lot of less famous actors and then one of the greatest male actors in the last decade - Brad Pitt.  This was bound to be a great World War II movie, following a unique squad of US soldiers trying to kill as many Nazi soldiers as possible.

The trailers were great, portraying Pitt's character as a real mean bastard that was looking for his scalps.  These helped build up the excitement and the anticipation grew.

Finally it arrived on DVD.  We don't get to the cinema that often, so we normally wait for the titles to be released on DVD.  It's much easier too.  You can just pause the movie, get coffee and snacks.

Excited, hoping for a movie similar to "Where Eagles Dare" with a Tarantino twist, I quickly started the movie.  The first 10 minutes was a scene in the French country side, showing a farmer hiding Jews and how the Nazis tries to get him to reveal where they were hidden.  They succeed. They killed all the Jews and let one little girl escape.  So, the plot was already there.  The girl would obviously play an important role later in the movie.

Thereafter, the movie turns to shite.  It rarely shows the bastards or any of their dirty deeds. It  focuses mainly on other smaller groups of the resistance that are trying to kill Nazi leaders.  Most of the dialogue is either in French or German, which is no problem, but there were only few of Tarantino's classic bloody fight scenes - in fact, I only counted three.  Well below the Tarantino standard.

Poor screenplay and a lot less action than I expected.  So, you can imagine how surprised I was, when I saw the movie was nominated for an Oscar.  For what? The worst WWII movie in recent years? The crappiest foreign movie produced? Blimey, I'd rather watch "Legend" with Tom Cruise, than see the "Not-so glorious bastards" again.  I rarely turn off movies before the actually finish, but this one I did.

The trailers and movie poster, and the attention from the press, gave the movie a lot more credit than it was worth.  I wonder if Tarantino is getting old and soft.
- I have to admit, the bad guy in the movie (the Nazi officer) was well acted, a real bastard.  And, Pitt did a great job too - when he was on.

Usut mikisuaraavoq, talliunnaranilu - visit to Greenland

(fair play to you, if you can translate the greenlandic words)

Back in '79 - '80, my parents decided they wanted to be a host family to a teenager from Greenland. Back in those days Greenland was ruled by the Danish government. It was our last colony.

Please note that most nations such as UK, Holland, Portugal, all had their share of colonies, but for some bizarre reason the Danes went as far North as possible, and found the coldest piece of rock and claimed it as theirs.  Rumour has it that Iceland should have been named Greenland and vice versa, but some old fart made a mistake on some maps and the names were permanently swapped.  No wonder Denmark never "discovered" and owned other colonies around the World.  We did have some islands in the Caribbean, but we sold them!

Anyway, we had this teenager living with us for 3 months, hoping to help her learn Danish.  To be honest, 3 months is not enough time to learn Danish, especially not the dialect we use in my hometown.

The 3 months passed by quickly and she went home again.  As my parents had volunteered to host a language student, we were invited to visit her village in Greenland.  So, along with 4 other families in our community, we left for Greenland for a two weeks holiday.  As previously mentioned, this was in the early '80s, so Disneyland Paris was not an option and not many of my friends had been on an airplane.  I was as a result the coolest kid in my class - at least for two days.

I was around 8 years old and flying for the first time.  I don't really remember much of the 5 hour flight, and my parents are still refusing to talk about it.  Perhaps that's why my mum is still scared of flying.  To make me even more of a celebrity in my class, I also flew in a helicopter for the first time.  Unfortunately that experience caused me to be deaf for two days solid, because  I was sitting on the side of the engine. So, all I heard for two days was the engine!!

One thing to know about Greenland is that the sun shines almost 24 hours a day, well, at least 20 hours, which is brilliant for us kids and annoying for our parents.  The most amazing thing about Greenland was seeing the Northern Lights - the sky shimmering and full of colours.  It cannot be described well enough. It has to be seen first hand.

My dad packed the only thing he needed to pack, which was the handycam and the camera - both items top of the range back in the '70s.  Neither survived long into the '80s, but we still have the film from the cameras.  Brilliant to watch...and yet scary.

So, what was there to see in Greenland beside icebergs and mountains?  Not much really, but that wasn't the point either.  We stayed in something that looked like a giant wooden train, with bunkbeds.  It was absolutely hilarious to watch my slightly overweight dad, with a beerbelly, climbing up.  My mum was terrified that it would break. She was underneath him.  I shared a sofabed with my sister.

This was an educational trip, in many ways. It was a trip where we were to get to know Greenland and its culture.  Looking back at it, it was actually a really cool trip.

We were lucky to have a local guide, who drove us to all the sights that had been organised for us. He had a Volkswagen van; one of those with sliding doors.  On Greenland, when it rains and the snow melts, loads of water runs down to the sea, through the villages.  As a result, the council had been clever enough to build these gigantic ditches, which were 4-5 feet deep. The ditches were covered with a dark green algae during the summer.

One day, after arriving back to our wooden train house, I was very eager to get out of the van.  Agile as I was, being 8 years old, I jumped out of the van, completely forgetting about the ditches.  Without a sound, my well known ninja style, I slid down the ditch. I was instantly covered in the green algae.  My dad, who hadn't seen me disappear, started to shout for me. He was getting agitated because he couldn't find me and because I didn't answer.  Either way, he was getting slightly impatient.  Suddenly, he heard my faint cry and looked down the ditch. There he saw his favorite son (only son by the way) covered in green algae. He immediately jumped in to get me out.  He too slid in the slippery algae and landed on his butt.  Despite the embarrassing situation we found us in; two tourists sitting on our butts in an algae covered ditch,  we started to laugh.  My dad picked me up and he got me out - dripping green sticky algae from my white hair.

Other cool adventures from our time in Greenland occurred when we were being introduced to various local foods.  Some were more disgusting than others, but for some reason kids don't always mind trying these new culinary experiences. Perhaps it helps when your parents are very enthusiastic and force you to try these.  As a result, my sister and I tried following local snacks:
(It was an experience alright, and I would try them again.)

• Freshly caught whale skin, against all Greenpeace rules. It is fairly chewy and salty.  It reminds me a bit of mild licorice.
• Freshly caught fish eyes. It reminds me mostly of a grape, with the exception that when you chew it, it is very salty, it has no flavour and the  consistency is as snot.
• NOT freshly caught fish, but wind dried sardines (same style as the ones you can buy for your pet!), with bones and eyes . Darn little pieces get stuck between your teeth.

My parents bought special equipment for the trip, just like I would do today, to ensure that we would be able to survive in the wilderness.  So, my parents invested in two sleeping bags for us kids.  But, these were not standard sleeping bags, but surviver sleeping bags.  Apparently, you could sleep in freezing conditions, down to -50 degrees. We put it to the test one night.  We were sailing overnight to another local village with a local ferry. We kids slept outside in -20 C degrees.  It was probably more like -10, but for the sake of the story, it was freezing Antarctic conditions.  We survived 6 minutes and legged it back inside.  We were no fools.

The locals took us fishing one day in small little motorised boats.  The boats only had enough room for 7-8 people.  The water was calm, dark blue and the icebergs were huge.  If only 10% were over the water, then I would hate to see the remaining 90%.  We were close enough to see large ice pieces falling off the actual ice cap, which was frightening.  It didn't make it any better when the guide said that we weren't getting any life jackets because if we fell into the water we wouldn't survive for long!!  Still, we went out fishing and stayed out for several hours, catching enormous cod fish and sea cucumbers (disgusting looking creature).

My sister and I also adopted a sled dog.  Well, it turned out it was a wild dog, but we cared for it anyway. We named it dosebier (can beer in German).  What we didn't know was that wild dogs are shot and the shooter gets a reward.  So, our dog didn't live that long, but we loved it as long as we had it.

There are two things that I still clearly remember; one embarrasing and one scary - you choose which is which.  They both happened on the same day funnily enough.

We were out sightseeing in mother nature, probably 50-100 kilometers from the nearest residential area, walking in the mountains and the snow.  Suddenly I had to do number 2.  When you are a kid, it just happens and you got to go NOW.  My dad looked around for trees, but there are no trees on Greenland - at least not where we were.  He spotted a church and we ran towards it, hoping the priest would have mercy on me.  Running is probably exaggerated, as it is difficult to run while you are squezing your checks together, trying to avoid an accident. Keep in mind, we were a long way from being able to change clothes too.  Anyway, we made it to the church, but there was nobody there!  Resourceful as my dad is, he quickly ripped off my pants, exposing my arse to nature (and the freezing wind) and placed me on a bin outside the church.  It was metal, so my poor checks were bitten by the cold rim, but I was relieved.  All we needed now was paper!!!!

Later that same day, we were out sightseeing on the glacier, and the guide told us about the Bitches Ditch (glacier crevasse), which is where unfaithful women were dumped ages ago.  Basically, they fell 20 meters down an icy void, only to be greeted with freezing water.  No way to escape.  And, who had to film into the crevasse with the family's first camera - my dad!  He was lying on his belly, while filming the frozen death trap.  My mum and us kids were begging him to step away from the edge. If it hadn't been for my earlier church experience, I would have blinked with the brown eye all over the glacier.  My dad slid away from the edge, back to safety and smiled at us with a victorious sparkle in his eyes.

All in all, it was an amazing experience visiting Greenland, and I would love to go back with my own family.  I know it will be difficult to persuade them, given that there are no amusement parks or sidewalk cafes, but it is a wonderful place to go.

- just don't adopt a dog and stay away from the local fish market.

(BTW, the title means 'you have a small penis, and it will never get bigger)