But, as soon as you get married, people start to ask you "when is the baby due?" or "when will we hear baby feet?". OK, I don't mind talking about these things with my mates, but when your dad talk about sex, then it just sounds wrong. I'm still his son, and certain things we just don't talk about; sex is one of them. So, I just gave people the standard line "we are working on it!".
A year went by and we had just returned from our wonderful and adventure packed honeymoon - a year after our marriage I know - in Cancun, Mexico. 2 weeks in the sun can do wonders.
One Saturday morning, my wife said calmly "I think I'm pregnant". The blood initially left my head, because this was something completly new and not something that I could prepare for. I knew it was bound to happen (he he), but when it hits you it is scary. I dropped everything I had in my hands, grabbed the car keys and went to the pharmacy to get the pregnancy tests - little did I know that I was still in my speedos. Rushed back to the house and forced my wife to pee on the sticks and reminded her not to pee on her fingers. The first 7 tests were positive, so no need to use the remaining 11 tests.
Next step is a visit to the GP, who again confirmed that she was pregnant. We then moved into the big league when we signed up to the local maternity hospital. We were assigned a doctor and he quickly got down to business, touching and squeezing my wife all over. At times I thought he might be hitting on her, until my wife informed me that he was just doing his job. I just didn't like another man touching my wife's private parts.
The first scan was amazing. You sit in a room and the mid wife is using this weird looking scanning device on your wife's stomach. A bit like the scanners in the Alien movies, when they are looking inside Bishop. Suddenly the mid wife said "there it is". What? Where? I must admit, I was just smiling like a fool at first, pretending that I knew exactly what I was looking at. My wife recognised my confused stare and gently pointed on a white dot on the monitor. I nodded, but had to admit to my wife afterwards that I couldn't seen anything - but this changed once we got the printouts and I could study them myself. Then I saw it - I think! The freaky thing was when she turned on the sound and you heard this tiny little drum, the heart of course and not some boy in the street. That's when it hit me again.
The weeks went by and my wife got fatter. Well, not fat, she just developed a nice round beer-belly just like mine. Now we looked alike, apart from her boobs of course, and her height, and her being a woman and I a man.
I constantly had to touch her belly feeling something that felt like trapped airbubbles travelling around her belly. Women have no idea how difficult it is for us men to understand how it feels to be pregnant. We can see the belly grow, but it is not easy to share the female experience. The child is growing inside the woman, so women develop a special bond. So, don't get too upset if your husband / partner doesn't seem over-excited.
"Nine Months" with Hugh Grant is brilliant at showing how lame we men look during pregnancies - we just don't know what to do.
But, I was so excited about the idea of becoming a dad. All the hours of playing with Lego, war games, cars, etc. Just the thought of being allowed to play again was great. It didn't even occur to me that I had to change diapers and wipe up vomit! Bloody hell, I didn't even know how.
The most fun was prenatal classes. Basically classes for becoming parents that teaches them how to act during labour. I knew how I was going to act. I would pass out cold on the floor in the delivery room. There was one husband who managed to embarras his wife at the first class, by asking "when can we have sex again?" and "when can she drink again?". That was obviously how she got pregnant!
One of the amazing things about pregnancy, especially for men, is when their wife's boobs develop the Dolly Parton syndrome - increasing 10 fold in size. My wife couldn't fit most of her shirts anymore and they had a funnny sponge feeling when touching them.
Like any excited parents to be, we invested in the latest digital equipment; web site, video camera, camera and new car. It all had to be ready. We even bought designer furniture for the room, the expensive stuff from Mamas & Papas, just in case the baby became an interior designer!
Suddenly, my wife said with a weird face "I think I peed". What? She was a grown up woman and she knew not to pee in other people's beds. The nurse came and said the water had broken. NOOOOOOOOOO! What do I do? We still had two prenatal classes left, which included the video on how giving birth happens. I had seen several programs on National Geographic, but not with humans, and I was not about to eat the cord like the lions do. No friends to call either and I refused to call my parents. My mum would probably brush off my questions and just ask silly PC Windows questions anyway.
Within minutes, my wife was moved towards the delivery room. I was shitting myself. This is when my wife turned in to the amazing Hulkilina (except for the colour green). The nurse gave me the visitor kit; green gown, lovely hat and slip on plastic shoes - which by the way get VERY slippery in wet areas. The roar from this tiny woman scared most men in the vicinity. The words she uttered were only suitable for 18+ movies and Mordor. She was put on the bed and I held her hand - stupid move my friend! The force she squeezed my hand with was unbelievable. All the blood left my fingers and I could hear bones crushing. At the same time the mid wife was telling her to push. My wife verbally tore her head off for asking her to push harder. The mid wife asked me, among the screams, if I wanted to watch. NO! Why did she even ask. I had forgotten the camera anyway and is this something you really want to put on the wall or on your web site? 8 minutes later the mid wife lifted up my baby. It was a beautiful and perfect girl. I had never felt her during the 7.5 months pregnancy, but all of a sudden unknown emotions erupted inside me and I just cried - wuss! It was perfect.
The weirdest moment was probably when the nurse asked my wife, if she wanted tea and toast, still on her back and legs on the supportive racks. I wasn't offered coffee.
My wife was rolled up to the ward and I was left alone in the hallway. Nobody to share the moment with and it was late anyway. Fuck it. I called and texted everybody I knew anyway. Why shouldn't they be happy too? My in-laws had heard we were in hospital and greeted me when I left the maternity ward. They were absolutely delighted.
But, what a weird day. We had been working in the attic earlier, watching Ireland win the triple crown and now we were proud parents. So many things went through my head, especially that we hadn't bought the car seat and buggy yet.
On the way home I had almost a pack of cigarettes - in the car. The light was on in our neighbours house and I rang the doorbell demanding attention and a drink - which I got. A few cans later I staggered home, wrecked.
The next morning I drove to the nearest baby accessory shop, waiting outside until they opened and bought whatever buggy and car seat they had in stock. Sorted. Then off to see my wife and daughter. I was an emotional wreck at this stage and started to cry when I heard U2's "Beautiful Day" in the car, and again when I saw both my girls. Even when I saw an add for Africa, a small hungry boy crying, the tears came rolling down. What was wrong with me?!
As our daughter was 5 weeks premature, she had to stay in hospital a few days extra, to make sure everything was ok. My wife had at this stage become a walking dairy factory, producing more milk than the maternity ward combined, meaning our daughter had plenty of food. It was so much that we had to start freezing jars of breast milk. Had we been in the dark ages, then I would have used it in my coffee, for baking and on cereal.
It was actually handy that our daughter had to stay in hospital as this allowed me to get the house ready and all her furniture assembled, ready for our princess.
I remember the first night, when she came home. None of us dared to fall asleep, in case something happened while sleeping. It was brilliant to have them home. I negotiated a deal with my wife, whereby I would get SKY movies and SKY sports, while helping out with the feeds in the night. WIN - WIN situation according to any MBA student, including me. I won an argument - little did I know that the movies during the night are shitty C-rated action and horror movies such as "Revenge of Killer Slugs".
I was one happy and proud dad - still crying over charity adds. Next challenge: what size diapers did I have to buy? Did we need a bigger freezer for all the breast milk?
For all new parents-to-be, you can sign-up to Pampers website and you will be alerted when you enter the various stages of the pregnancy. It definetly helped me understand what was happening with my wife's body and it also translated what the doctors and nurses said. You can buy books too, but these tend to end up on the shelf or under the bed gathering dust, as you have other things on your mind - "Will I be a good dad?"
